I Never...

have been more ready for anything in my entire life.

I don't know why I convinced myself throughout this pregnancy that I would go early, but I did.  BIG MISTAKE.  I guess it's because my sister went a week early with her first, and my mom says she went a couple weeks early with my sister.

But I'm 5 days from my due date, all physical (internal) signs point to "go" but nothing is happening!

And historically, I have never been very good at prep.  I usually just wing everything, and most of the time it works out.  I've always been pretty lucky, which is a blessing because I really do have piss poor planning and preparing skills.  The exception to this is childbirth: I have prepared my mind, body and soul and I am READY. SET. GO.  I've never wanted so much to feel pain.  Bring it on!  I want to scream it from the mountaintops like a crazed masochist on methamphetamine beating my chest like a gorilla.

Speaking of gorillas.  I just started watching Jersey Shore, and as much as I want, I can NOT look away from the trainwreck!  I can physically feel my braincells burning out - poof! - but it's so entertaining.  Anyway...

In preparation for this baby, I've cleaned the house -- mainly the floors, over and over again.  I don't know what it is with me and floors lately, but I just notice them more and more.  On Sunday, I got down on my hands and knees and went over them old school style, like my mom, the cleanfreak, does.  I was hoping that position would help induce labor.  It didn't.

And everything else is prepped and ready to go:

The baby's room is set up.  All his clothes and sheets and blankets have been washed.

I'm all waxed and groomed:  arms, X-men wolverine chops (blame the testosterone!), hoo hoo, 'stache, brows.

My toes are pedicured -- because obviously this is really important in the grand scheme of having a baby.

My hospital bag and labor bags are packed.

Now that I think about it, the only things that aren't prepared are the things that are under V's jurisdiction:  the babyseat installation and, well, V.  He isn't prepared for anything because he doesn't know what to expect and won't read the one damn book that's supposed to help him be a good labor coach.   Can you hear the annoyance in my words?

Oh well.  This is why I have prepared a doula!

See?  I've prepped everything!!!  And look where it's gotten me.  Big, fat, and nowhere.  This is why I usually adopt a go-with-the-flow attitude.   Because you can't control anything in life.  And being in a state of waiting is probably one of the worst - er, most annoying - places in which to spend one's time.  Imagine that, plus being almost 10 months pregnant. 

Now make your appearance Tyrone!  Your mom and dad are waiting for you!