Naming a blog.

The day I got married, exactly three months and one day ago, I tipped the scales at precisely 95.3 lbs.  I wasn't actively trying to lose - not consciously, anyway.  But everyone says, "All the stress of wedding planning just obliterates your appetite."  I think it was more the sleep deprivation that did me in.

Whatever.  This is so not the point.  But I have to admit, the weight-obsessed adolescent devil bitch that sits on my pituitary gland, where I imagine her eating a brownie and being pissed off at herself, rocking out to Fiona Apple, is (not so) secretly happy that she, er....I...can later say, "The day I got married, I tipped the scales at precisely 95.3 lbs." 

So, where was I.  Oh, right.  Today, three months later, and I've gained 10 fucking pounds.  That's right.  They deserve the "F" word.  So how did I get from there to here?


I don't know.  I mean, sure, I care a lot less.  And I'm definitely not stressed anymore, but seriously, almost all 10 lbs. happened in the last two weeks. WTF.


Last week I was annoyed seeing triple digits: 100.  But now those zeros are taunting me!  I can see them running around in circles daring me to catch them.  Alas, I can not.  Old and slow, I am.

Here's what else:

• My boobs have been hurting like a motherfucker for the past week
• I can see my ass in the mirror when I'm facing it full frontal
• My eyelids are tired (but that could be because I'm wearing false eyelashes today)
• I have a headache which I rarely ever get
• I pee 12 times an hour
• This morning I woke up with cramps and a bit of spotting...but it's 8 days before my next period

Oh right, so, I haven't been on the pill in more than two years, and my lady timing usually eludes me, but about a month ago I downloaded a monthly cycle chart ap on my iphone and it's telling me I have "8 days to go!"  


Last night while cuddling with my husband and complaining about my extra poundage he gave me a HYOOOOGE bear hug, closed his eyes and with an ear-to-ear grin reminiscent of a cartoon puppy that's just found a bone, exclaimed, 

"But it's just like hugging poundcake!"


I had barely a chance to respond with widened eyes and a look of horror when he quickly followed up with:


"And I LOOOOOOVE poundcake!"


So.


Am I fat or pregnant?